The Engineer Account
by CigaretteInk
Summary: No Pairings. I realize I just cut a majority of my audience out with those words, but I digress. This is about a peculiar person that has the "privilege" of being Dethklok's stage engineer. It's only here to make you laugh; don't take it so seriously.
1. Chapter 1

The Engineer's Account

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Disclaimer:

I'm pretty poor right now. Don't sue me or all you'll get is a broken down car and an encyclopedia set from the 1990's.

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Forward note:

It's been so many years since I've attempted to write fan fiction; don't try and search for some of my old stuff, it's gone now. Besides it's embarrassing for me to recollect and would insult you as well.

I have been mulling over the idea of a lead engineer that designs the stages for all of Dethkok's concerts since they seem pretty elaborate at times. I will say that the engineer is a she, and she's a bit crazy. (Stay with me now.)

These stories are not going to be your typical narrative of the original character that everyone will love nor will she fall in love with anyone in the original series. No pairs of any sort will be written. She is also not a parental figure for anyone in the original cast to admire or coddle.

She's just an overworked individual that finds some solace in the fact that she's paid big bucks to create these sets, but she also works for Dethklok. (This is a bad thing sometimes.)

I'll try and make these as funny as I possibly can; just take it all with a grain of salt or a margarita if you're legal.

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The office lights are off; it's quitting time for all employees.

She grabs her coat off the wall hook and proceeds to stumble out of her office.

It's amazing how drunk someone can become over the course of the day. But despite her alcoholism, she's fairly confident that her equations and designs were right on today. Soon the plans would be shipped and the stage would be built in less than a few weeks.

Even now she can already hear the news host exclaim with great fervor, "Death in the thousands as Dethklok's stage…." Blah blah blah.

No one seemed to care anyway about the obviously faulty structures she creates. But it almost seems like all these kids just want to die anyway.

Oh well.

As she closed the door behind her she is instantly confronted with the dull glaring faces of the five young musicians.

With a cigarette tucked in her palm, she places it in her mouth and just watches them.

'Don't say a word; you do and you'll vomit. Then they'll never leave you alone.' She heard this whisper in her buckled mind.

'Wait, why is my inner monologue whispering?"

Nathan was the first to speak of the group. "We each want our own monster truck like on the TV!" he exclaimed in his usual boorish voice.

'Fuck, I have to speak now.' Her face felt like it would implode through the sheer force of trying to make any coherent sentence flow from her dry cracked lips.

Then came an alcohol induced idea so brilliant that it made her sleepy.

"I would gentlemen!" She yelled while gritting her teeth around the cigarette, her torso curved back and her hands become more animated as she went on.

"But you see," and here we go ladies and gentlemen.

"The police are after me and now they want my left tit." The boy's eyes widen slightly as their lips slacked open somewhat.

It was unclear at this moment whether they had believed her small story or her insanity, but she went along with her tale without delay.

"Those pig-fuckers; I can't let that happen. If they don't get my left tit then they'll come looking your left nut in exchange. And I love you boys too much to let that happen!"

She put her hand on Nathan's chest for stabilization as her head fell limp. The boys keeping the same gaze as before but now they began looking at one another for either an explanation or an exit.

"You boys! You can't tell anyone about me or this incident!" She grabbed Nathan's shirt and pulled him down to her eye level.

"Those crooked blue bastards; I'll cripple them for this insanity!" She now attempted to suck smoke through an unlit cigarette. "I must go and make this right, for your nuts!"

It was at this time the bands manager and sound engineer came walking around the corner only to catch the final portion of her speech.

She then proceeded to point her finger erratically at Nathan's crotch, "Don't worry little Alex, all will be right. I have to go now and give them my left chest pillow or else they'll sic the hounds on you!"

With that she turned and proceeded to head down the corridor; one right turn and she fell to her hands and knees.

"What exactly was that about?" Charles asked.

"Urgh!" was a low, sick sound coming from around the corner. No one need investigate the problem since the cause was obvious to some.

:: The Next Morning ::

All members of Dethklok, plus one manager, were sitting in the meeting room waiting on their stage engineer to give them the brief insight of their next stage design.

She walks in quietly with large sunglasses over her eyes and a rather worn look on her chalky face.

Immediately the boys looked at her chest and noticed that her torso was symmetrical.

With that each boy grabbed their crotch and began screaming much to the dismay of their hung-over employee.

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The End.

There could be more to come if people are even interested in hearing more. If not, no problem.

This was slightly inspired by Hunter Thompson. If you know his work, pat yourself on the back because you're awesome. Give yourself a cookie if you've read his work and decide not to take drugs.


	2. Chapter 2

2:00 p.m. – Lead Engineer Office

Up on the fourth floor of the engineer's complex, through the large three pane window was the office of Dethklok's inebriated lead engineer. The office was simple with stacked books, binders and prints scattered on the floor along with numerous empty bottles of hard liquor and spirits. The center of the office contained a large oak desk complete with documents, blueprints, a large decanter, and one engineer stretched on top.

Her eyes were closed in deep sleep as she lay face down across her desk with her head and arms draped over the front and her legs limp in the back. Life couldn't be better in her drunken dream land, a bareback horse ride with a lean short-haired blond that knew exactly how to mix her gin drinks.

Suddenly a loud beeping sound was screaming in her ear.

A low moan and a frantic hand searched blindly for the source, knocking over her large crystal decanter caused her to erupt in every swear word she could imagine.

Her fingers finally found the call button and flicked the switch next to it, a low voice was immediately heard from the other end.

"Ma'am, Mr. Ofdensen is here accompanied by a Mr. Alex Harvey from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. Shall I let them in?"

'Fuck, OSHA again? I thought we fixed those discrepancies last August? Damn it, now what do I do?' She grimaced, still in her prone position.

"Keep them outside for the moment. I want six klokateers in my office immediately." She bellowed into the receiver.

"Yes Ma'am." The klokateer said with great discipline, and with a click the line was quiet.

"I'll give him something to write in his report, where is that key?"

She began to fumble through her desk pulling out unfiled documents, pens, spirits, a deflated stress ball, until she found a small key inscribed with the word, "W3."

As soon as she had found what she was after she closed the drawers and kicked the garbage under the desk. The klokateers were beginning to file into her office from the construction bay on the first floor, each lining up in rank before their employer.

"Fantastic now line up against the window." She ordered with a fresh cigarette drooping out of the right side of her lips.

With the small key she fetched earlier she approached the far right window pane, unlocked it and flung the window open.

Down below Ofdensen stood making small chat with the OSHA representative, defending the lead engineer when the opportunity arose.

"It shouldn't be too much longer, she's probably gathering the klokateers in the construction bay around back. She should, uh, buzz us through in a moment." He said observing the great displeasure across the representative's face.

"Hey, up here you shit swine!" With that statement Ofdensen just closed his eyes and tried to remember why they retained this particular employee.

Up above the problematic engineer was seen leaning outside her window with her left hand steadily gripping the seal for balance. Next to her were several exposed klokateer rears pressed firmly against the other two panes.

"Suck it Harvey!" she screamed while she made a karate chopping gesture to the right side of her pelvic area with her free hand. The klokateers could be seen high-fiving each other in great satisfaction inside. That is until the panes came loose and separated from their seal.

With a crack the windows fell out and with that several klokateers plummeted four stories and landed directly on shattered glass, impaling them in the worst area possible. Ofdensen and Mr. Harvey, standing no less than 12 feet from the accident, appeared to be momentarily shocked but not surprised at the outcome.

At that moment they both looked up to see the slightly surprised young woman still standing on the window seal.

"Damn it!" She yelled, "That's a citation isn't it?"


End file.
